Monday Meds (4-30-18)

Hello and happy Monday.

This has been an interesting week. With teachers being on strike, my kids haven’t been in school since Wednesday and we aren’t sure when they are going back. Things are very precarious right now. We will see what happens. Until then my house is full of kids. I have five extras today and am loving it. I love when kids just play. It really feels like spring break over here.

There is something that has been on my mind for awhile now but I haven’t been ready to talk about. I think I am now. Let’s talk meds. Are you on medication? Have you ever been on medication? Do you know someone who is on medication? I’m sure the answer to at least one of these is “yes”. I’m definitely on medication and have been for several years now. The first time I went on meds I was terrified. I was sure that taking medicine for my depression was admitting I’m a failure. I was also afraid of what other people would think if they found out. I was teaching preschool and was terrified that the parents of my students would pull their kids from my school if they knew I was on medication. I felt like I was untrustworthy because I had no control over myself. I’ve since learned otherwise. First, I’m not a failure for being on medicine to control my depression. That’s just ridiculous. I’m not a failure for wearing glasses so why would I be a failure for having a difference in my mind? I learned that not only are most people supportive, but they want to talk about it. Being on medicine has not made me a weaker, lesser person, it has made me stronger and better. Let’s face it, I am a much better version of myself being on medication then I am without it.

If it hadn’t been for the openness of someone I love I wouldn’t have had the courage to start my meds. Years ago they opened up to me about depression and being on medicine. It was at a time in my life when I definitely needed help but was unaware of what I needed. Learning about someone else’s struggles gave me the courage to seek the help I needed when that problem got worse. This is why I try to be open. Because of someone else’s openness I was able to put my fears aside and work towards getting better. I was afraid. I was afraid to ask for help, I was afraid to get my prescription filled, I was afraid to tell my husband, I was afraid to take medicine. I’m so grateful I worked through that fear and I am so grateful for that conversation I had long ago. And I am thankful for the meds I am on. Without them I would be one miserable crazy mess.

So if you are on meds, or thinking about it, know that its ok. If you know someone on them be loving, they are fighting a hard battle.

You are important and you are loved. Please have a great week.




Battling Monday (4-23-18)

The last two months marks five years since one of the most challenging times of my life. One of my battles with depression.

It was a scary time and it came in a snap. One minute I was doing fine, the next minute I could feel everything building, growing, getting ready to boil over. And then it did and it shook my world. I had fallen into a deep depression.

For several weeks the only things I was able to do was sleep and cry. I slept every minute I wasn’t absolutely needed. I could lay on the couch and be asleep within minutes then wake up 5-10-15 minutes later to help my kids then back to sleep. When I was awake for a period of time I cried. I cried and cried and cried. I was out of control.

I felt heavy, scared, dark, sad, anxious, frantic, disappointed, unworthy. I felt like I was in a deep dark pit. I couldn’t see the sun and I couldn’t find a way out. It was oppressive.

Thankfully I got help. I had already been going to a doctor and was already on medication. We upped that and added another and another and pretty soon I was on 5 different prescriptions.

Finally, I started feeling more like myself. I could see a faint glimmer of sunlight from my dreary hole. That light got bigger and brighter. I was able to see and able to slowly climb out of that pit.

My battle with depression isn’t over. It has been going on my entire life and will continue. But, there’s hope. There is a glimmer of light that keeps me going. I’m on good meds, I have a good doctor, I have a patient and supportive husband, I have a beautiful life to live.

I never want to go through that intense depression again. And I hurt for those who are going through it. But I learned a lot. I learned how to climb out of that pit when I fall into it. Sometimes its a slow and laborious process and it’s always hard and painful. But I can do it. And you can too. You can get through your challenges. You can find the light in your life. I promise.

Know that I pray for you and that you are not alone.



Try a little Monday (4-16-18)

“Try a little harder to be a little better” is my motto today.

I am blatantly aware that I cannot do it all and so I am trying to remind myself to do what I can. I am also trying so hard to bite my tongue and not yell at my kids (one kid in particular). Despite all my shortcomings, I always have tomorrow to try and do better than I did today. For that I am grateful.

So, happy Monday. I hope tomorrow is even better than today.



Monday Light (4-9-18)

I love this quote. I have so many dark days it’s often hard to see beyond them. But there is hope and light out there. Every time I pass through the darkness and start to see the light my heart sings. How beautiful the world is when looking at it in the light after being in the dark.

Being buried, being in the dark, is awful. I hurt for anyone who is there. But when we’re through we come out stronger. We just have to push, fight, grow. Keep going until we see the light.

Hang in there friends. The light will come.



Monday after Easter (4-2-18)

Nine years ago on Easter Sunday my brother in law pulled us aside and announced that he was going to quit chemo. He had been fighting cancer for a year. He passed away a few weeks later.

I always think of Geoff on Easter. But not in a sad way. I think of him in a grateful way. I’m so grateful because I know I will see him again. It’s because of Easter and my knowledge of the Savior that I am not sad. I miss Geoff but I am not sad.

How was your Easter? Mine was great. I made a big breakfast and set the table with real dishes and a tablecloth and everything, and then my kids broke two dishes. But that’s ok, breakfast was still delicious.

I hope you have a great week. I hope you know how important you are.