Choosing Monday (7-10-17)

My niece posted this quote a few weeks ago. I found it amazing at the time. When I woke up today I felt like I needed to share it;
“Choose to believe that you are truly worthy.
Worthy of love,
Worthy of affection,
Worthy of acceptance,
Worthy of a second chance,
Worthy of being chosen,

Worthy of succeeding and reaching your dreams.”

After speaking to several friends this week and struggling with my own personal battles I’ve realized that so many of us don’t feel worthy. I had never been able to put a name to those feelings until I read this quote again. It hit me hard. I realized that my inner dialogue has been telling me I’m not worthy. I haven’t said to myself, “Kendra, you aren’t worthy of love. You aren’t worthy of being a mother. You aren’t worthy of reaching your dreams.” But that word sums it up and makes all those feelings and thoughts tangible.
Depression is a constant companion of mine. With help and medication I’ve been doing pretty well. But it has been building and the last couple of weeks have not been good. Again, with help and medication I’m getting back on track. I feel better and am functioning again but with that comes the guilt. I feel guilty for leaving my children on their own. I feel guilty for sleeping all day. I feel guilty for not feeding my family or cleaning my house. I feel guilty for ignoring and being angry/impatient with my family. I feel guilty for letting it all happen again. And then I feel embarrassed. I’m embarrassed that my kids look like ragamuffins and are couch potatoes. I’m embarrassed that my house is filthy, we can’t find anything and haven’t had a good meal in days and days. I’m embarrassed that I snapped and yelled and shamed my children. I’m embarrassed at breaking down in tears and having to admit to my doctor that I need more help. I’m embarrassed at telling my husband that I’m not doing well, again. With the guilt and embarrassment comes the feelings of not deserving my life. I don’t deserve my children. I don’t deserve my beautiful home. I’m not deserving of good friends. I don’t deserve the love of my husband. Put all of that together, guilt, embarrassment, shame, and you get worthlessness or feelings thereof.
I’m learning that many of the struggles my friends and family are facing lead to feeling of being unworthy. By definition the word worthy means; having merit or value, honorable, admirable, deserving. I think we see the worst in ourselves. We cannot admit or focus on the amazingness that is in us. We let others’ perceived thoughts dominate our own. But really, we are better than we think. We are more amazing than we will admit. And everyone else is feeling the same way.
I ask myself, “Does my life have value? Do I live an honorable life? Are there things in my life that are admirable? Am I deserving of my life?”. The answer to all of these is, YES! I might have moments, days and even months of feeling I don’t have value because I can’t do anything but sleep all day or snap at everyone. There are times where I might not feel admirable or deserving, and maybe at that moment there isn’t much to admire. But this life is a marathon. We are all in it for the long haul. We can’t define ourselves based on one day or one sharp remark or one failed attempt. If we look over a period of time we can see the many miles we have already run. The race is still going and we’re doing better than we thought we were.
So, am I of worth? Am I worthy of love, affection, acceptance, a second chance, being chosen, succeeding and reaching my dreams? The answer is, was and always will be “yes”. Yes, I am worthy. And so are you my friend. So are you.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s