Monday Changes (7-17-17)


Hello friends,

I am out of town road trippin’ it with my family. I saw this mural in San Fransisco and really loved it. 

“Be the change you want to see in the world.”

I’ve heard this quote before but seeing it painted on a huge wall in the middle of a busy city made it seem more powerful. It made me stop and think. If I want to see change I have to make changes in myself. 

Lately I have learned some of the many changes I need to make. Every one of these changes started with me seeing the fallacies of others. After I tried to figure out how to change others I realized that I need the change just as much if not more. And so I am trying. I see something that the world needs to do better and I see that I am part of the world and I need to do better. I need to change. I need to be the change. 
I hope I can change. I hope I can be the change. I hope you know I love you and care about you. 

Love
Kendra

Choosing Monday (7-10-17)

My niece posted this quote a few weeks ago. I found it amazing at the time. When I woke up today I felt like I needed to share it;
“Choose to believe that you are truly worthy.
Worthy of love,
Worthy of affection,
Worthy of acceptance,
Worthy of a second chance,
Worthy of being chosen,

Worthy of succeeding and reaching your dreams.”

After speaking to several friends this week and struggling with my own personal battles I’ve realized that so many of us don’t feel worthy. I had never been able to put a name to those feelings until I read this quote again. It hit me hard. I realized that my inner dialogue has been telling me I’m not worthy. I haven’t said to myself, “Kendra, you aren’t worthy of love. You aren’t worthy of being a mother. You aren’t worthy of reaching your dreams.” But that word sums it up and makes all those feelings and thoughts tangible.
Depression is a constant companion of mine. With help and medication I’ve been doing pretty well. But it has been building and the last couple of weeks have not been good. Again, with help and medication I’m getting back on track. I feel better and am functioning again but with that comes the guilt. I feel guilty for leaving my children on their own. I feel guilty for sleeping all day. I feel guilty for not feeding my family or cleaning my house. I feel guilty for ignoring and being angry/impatient with my family. I feel guilty for letting it all happen again. And then I feel embarrassed. I’m embarrassed that my kids look like ragamuffins and are couch potatoes. I’m embarrassed that my house is filthy, we can’t find anything and haven’t had a good meal in days and days. I’m embarrassed that I snapped and yelled and shamed my children. I’m embarrassed at breaking down in tears and having to admit to my doctor that I need more help. I’m embarrassed at telling my husband that I’m not doing well, again. With the guilt and embarrassment comes the feelings of not deserving my life. I don’t deserve my children. I don’t deserve my beautiful home. I’m not deserving of good friends. I don’t deserve the love of my husband. Put all of that together, guilt, embarrassment, shame, and you get worthlessness or feelings thereof.
I’m learning that many of the struggles my friends and family are facing lead to feeling of being unworthy. By definition the word worthy means; having merit or value, honorable, admirable, deserving. I think we see the worst in ourselves. We cannot admit or focus on the amazingness that is in us. We let others’ perceived thoughts dominate our own. But really, we are better than we think. We are more amazing than we will admit. And everyone else is feeling the same way.
I ask myself, “Does my life have value? Do I live an honorable life? Are there things in my life that are admirable? Am I deserving of my life?”. The answer to all of these is, YES! I might have moments, days and even months of feeling I don’t have value because I can’t do anything but sleep all day or snap at everyone. There are times where I might not feel admirable or deserving, and maybe at that moment there isn’t much to admire. But this life is a marathon. We are all in it for the long haul. We can’t define ourselves based on one day or one sharp remark or one failed attempt. If we look over a period of time we can see the many miles we have already run. The race is still going and we’re doing better than we thought we were.
So, am I of worth? Am I worthy of love, affection, acceptance, a second chance, being chosen, succeeding and reaching my dreams? The answer is, was and always will be “yes”. Yes, I am worthy. And so are you my friend. So are you.
Love,
Kendra

4th of July Eve Monday (7-3-17)

Happy 4th of July Eve! What are your Independence Day plans? 

My baby is 11 months today. He is almost walking and has just learned to sign eat and finished. He gives really good open mouth slobbery kisses. He is always happy and is always on the go. He is my reminder that life works out. Bad situations come to an end, things change, life goes on. There is a 7 year gap between my two youngest. I never thought I would have another baby. Both my husband and I felt very strongly that I couldn’t. Physically I could but not mentally/emotionally. I was a mess. But life is all about change. My situation changed and we got to add on to our family like we so desperately wanted to do. Life has a way of working itself out. Changes happen and changes can be great. Baby boy Calvin was a great change. 
Happy happy Fourth of July. Do something extra patriotic this week!

Love,

Kendra

Aaaaaaaahhh Monday! (6-26-17)


Aaaaaahhhh! Seriously?! I have to move. Again! 

Two years ago we bought an acre lot and decided to build a new home. As soon as possible we put our house on the market and started working with an architect. Our house wasn’t selling so we took it off the market and redid all the flooring. We made more changes and put it on the market again. A year went by and our house still hadn’t sold, we had to fire our architect and I was only months (really weeks) away from having a baby. So we decided to move out of our house in hopes of it selling quicker and to get settled before the baby came and the kids started school. 
It has now been two years since we bought our lot. Our house finally sold, seven months after moving out of it, and we have a new architect. But now our lease is up on our rental house and although we contacted the owner back in April about extending our lease we found out for sure on Friday that he is selling and we have to be out by the end of July. Aaaaaaahhhhh! 

Life just isn’t going as planned. That’s ok. Things will work out. It will all be ok. I feel like we are doing everything we are supposed to be doing but nothing is happening on our timeline. I know there is a better plan than we can imagine, I just have to get there. My question is how? How do we get there? What do we do next? Aaaahh! 

Life is crazy and frustrating and awesome and terrible and hard and wonderful and miserable and crazy. I’m always amazed when I look back and see just how things worked out, why something happened or why something didn’t. I know it will be the same in a few years. Until then I’ll go pack a box or two and maybe cry a little and I’ll just keep reminding myself that it will all work out. 

Love,

Kendra

Monday life lessons (6-19-17)

I saw this quote and felt like I could relate.

I am also helping them problem solve by not waking me up when I’m taking a nap, to pay taxes by taking the first bite of their ice cream and to deal with disappointment by always saying no. Life lessons.

What are some life lessons you have learned? What are some life lessons you have taught?

Have a good week friends. You are important. You are loved. You have something important to do.

Love,

Kendra

Happy birthday and happy camping Monday (6-12-17)

Good morning, happy Monday and a very happy birthday to my Lulu girl. We have a very exciting day planned. Lunch, treats and getting ears pierced. It’s a big day. Today is also the day my biggest boy leaves for a week long scout camp.

 I wasn’t worried about him going to camp until last night when Damon, who is one of his scout leaders, told me that Harrison has asked several times if he has to go. I feel concerned. Then he tells me he hopes Harrison has everything he needs. “What? Isn’t that why he brought everything to scouts on Wednesday so you could check what he packed?” “That was the plan but we ran out of time so we just went through the list and just verbally checked.” Now I’m worried. 

I really believe in letting kids learn from their mistakes but that’s easier said then done. Especially when your kiddo has some challenges that keeps him from processing things the same way other people do and when getting him to participate the way he’s supposed to is a struggle for everyone involved. 

Even though he worked really hard and packed all by himself and I want him to learn from his mistakes I went through his gear anyway. He has enough frustrations I just couldn’t bear the thought of adding embarrassment to that when he gets out of the shower and realizes he doesn’t have a towel to dry off with. Thankfully I found very little that he missed and that is a huge win for my boy. 

But, here it is 3:30 in the morning and I can’t fall back to sleep after baby woke me up. My mind is just racing. So I’ve been laying in bed researching and reading up on ways to help my stinkers, and myself, with our struggles. I thought I would share some of my favorite resources with you. They might help or maybe you have some more you can share with me. Because the more we share and talk and help each other the more pleasant and doable life can be. 

ADD/ADHD and all disorders (this is my favorite) https://www.additudemag.com

Dyslexia – http://brightsolutions.us       https://www.learningally.org 

Autism/Aspergers- http://www.myaspergerschild.com

Parenting for all struggles – https://www.understood.org https://themighty.com

Here’s to a happy birthday to my Lucy and hoping for a happy camper at my boy’s first week long scout camp! 

Love,

Kendra

Monday (6-5-17)

Sorry friends, I just don’t have it in me today. I’m good. Everything is fine. Just having a low day. I’ve tried to write something all day, it just hasn’t happened. My life is a continuous cycle of feeling ok, feeling happy, feeling really happy and feeling miserable. It’s just life, my life. And today isn’t a feeling happy kind of day.                     
I am so grateful for two things today; my kids are still alive and my husband is throwing together dinner. 

Next time you’re having a day know that you’re not alone, you’re not crazy and there’s no shame in being a slob and sleeping all day, or so I tell myself. 

Love, 

Kendra