Happy Presidents’ Day!
We gave all of our kids presidential names. I think Damon wants them to become president of the United States. Harrison, Jackson, Lucy (who was never a president but was a president’s wife) and Calvin. Lucy might be a stretch, but I wanted to name her after our brothers who had just passed away. Lucy Dean for Luke and Geoffrey Dean. Damon had to make sure Lucy was a First Lady before he would agree to naming her that, even though he doesn’t remember it.
I have been majorly struggling with house work lately. Actually, it’s more like I have always struggled with house work. I feel so much better with a clean home, but I look around and get so overwhelmed that I don’t do anything. I find myself comparing me to what I used to be. I look back and remember having a clean home. But, let’s face it, I’ve always had this problem. I just remember the good stuff, then compare my bad days to my old good days.
It’s this comparison thing that is making me feel like I’m failing. We all hear about how we shouldn’t compare ourselves to others, but what about comparing ourselves to ourselves? I’m the worst at that.
Since having Calvin (2.5 years ago) I haven’t been able to get my body back to where it used to be. I ran a half marathon (not very well, but I did it) the weekend I found out I was pregnant with Calvin. Now I can’t even run a mile. And I get mad at myself for it. There was a time when I used to eat fairly well, or at least I tried really hard to, but now it’s all about what’s convenient. Every time I think about eating I remember having the desire to be nutritious, and I get mad at myself.
I get mad at myself often. And I don’t do anything about it, I just keep on letting myself beat myself up. Well, it’s time to make a change. But what’s holding me back, what’s stopping me from changing? To be honest, it’s fear. I don’t want to make a change and feel good about myself, and feel good about life. Why? Because I’m scared that the higher I am the harder I will fall. And I don’t want to go back to that dark place.
I often have days and weeks where everything I do is hard. I can’t think, I can’t work, I can’t do simple tasks. Then one day I wake up and feel good. I can think. I can work without panicking. I set goals and want to do better. Then the light switches and I struggle again. So, my fear lies in that light switch. I don’t want my regular ups and downs (which are hard enough) to become major ups and downs.
Back to comparison. I can’t compare my bad days to my good days. They aren’t equal, and it’s not fair to myself. How do I stop doing this, how do I make a change? I don’t know. I just don’t know. But I do know that beating myself up isn’t the answer. So, help me, will you? Let’s stop comparing ourselves. Whether you are comparing yourself to what you think is your better self or if it’s comparing yourself to someone else. Let’s just stop. Let’s say something positive about ourselves when those thoughts come creeping in. We are all worth all the good thoughts.